Google Bubble: no.1

For a good morning ritual, I opened Google AdSense. Not because I expected anything miraculous — miracles don’t live there — but out of routine, the same way you sometimes check the weather.
Although honestly, the weather is more consistent than analytics.

And there it was: a bubble scene that should’ve come with a label saying “Experimental art. Do not touch.”

1 visit — one!

A single one. As if my website were locked in a basement cabinet, behind a secret tunnel known only to Jerry the mouse.

So I open Matomo.
Then I check CPD.
Then Statcounter.
And finally the server — traffic flowing as usual. Tam-tam.

But Google?
One? Seriously?

Meanwhile, somewhere in Ireland

Analyst 1: “Sir… the user checked Matomo.”
Manager: “No… not Matomo…”

Analyst 2: “Sir… he’s opening CPD now.”
Manager: “CPD?! That’s… too much data!”

Intern: “Sir… he’s opening the server.”
Manager (pale): “The server… holds… the truth.”

Everyone goes silent.

Analyst 3 (the overly enthusiastic one): “Sir… I have an idea!”
Manager: “I don’t like your ideas.”

Analyst 3: “If he had a public email… we could write to him!”
Manager: “Write to him?!”

Analyst 3: “Yes! Explain things! Offer an apology! Give him a bonus!
A coupon! A… sticker!”

Manager: “We don’t have stickers.”
Analyst 3: “We can order them!”
Manager: “We don’t order!”

Analyst 3: “We could give him… a personalized response!”
Manager: “We don’t have personalized responses!”
Analyst 3: “We could give him… a generic response!”
Manager: “We only have generic responses!”

Analyst 3: “Well, there you go! Problem solved!”
Manager: “NO! If we write to him…
… then he’ll know that we know that he knows!”

Everyone: “Ooooooh…”

ENTER LEGAL DEPARTMENT

(The most powerful department in any corporation)

The doors open.
A bombastic entrance.
The legal director — cold, calm, stern, dressed in black like she just came from a funeral.

Legal Director: “I heard… someone suggested… writing to the user.”

All analysts turn to Analyst 3.

Analyst 3: “I… just… thought…”
Legal Director: “You… are not here to think.”
Analyst 3: “No… no… I’m not thinking anymore.”
Legal Director: “Good.”

Manager: “Ma’am… the user is checking other analytics.”
Legal Director: “How many?”
Analyst 1: “Matomo… CPD… server…”
Legal Director: “The server?!”
Analyst 2: “Yes…”
Legal Director: “The server is… dangerous.”
Manager: “We know.”

Legal Director: “If he sees inconsistencies… he might…”

Everyone leans forward.

Legal Director: “… he might… start… asking questions.”
All analysts: “NOOOOO!”

Legal Director: “If he starts asking questions… he’ll expect answers.”
Manager: “We don’t have answers!”
Legal Director: “Exactly.
That’s why… we must not write to him.”

Analyst 3: “But… I thought—”
Legal Director: “You… do not think.”
Analyst 3: “Correct. I apologize.”

Legal Director: “Listen carefully.
We will not write to him.
We will not explain anything.
We will not offer anything.
We will not admit anything.
We will not deny anything.
We will not confirm anything.”

Manager: “You said that twice.”
Legal Director: “Twice.
So you remember.”

Analyst 1: “Ma’am… what if… he writes a blog?”
Legal Director: “Let him write.”

Analyst 2: “What if he shares it?”
Legal Director: “Let him share.”

Analyst 3: “What if he… archives it on Wayback?”
Legal Director (horrified): “NO… NOT WAYBACK…”
Everyone: “NOT WAYBACK!”

Legal Director: “If it goes to Wayback…
… then it becomes real.”

And while I’m writing this, another visit disappeared. Probably someone from administration returned to the scene of the crime. But thanks to that, by noon I’m already at 2. ROFL!

This isn’t analytics anymore. This is a digital quantum split, where every system lives in its own universe and pretends it’s the only one that’s right.

If I saw this in a movie, I’d say the screenwriter was exaggerating. But no — this is reality.
My reality.
Your reality.
The reality of everyone stubborn enough to maintain their own websites and half-broken blogs to feed the search-engine beasts.

The funniest part?
I didn’t do anything drastic. I didn’t disable scripts. I didn’t block access. I didn’t sabotage anything. I just cleaned the house a bit. Restricted access to some formats that were slowing me down. Removed a few unnecessary scripts that were eating my nerves. Made the site faster, because I prefer readers over loading spinners.

Normal hygiene.

Digital dishwashing.

And the result?
One of the systems now sees less than before. So little, in fact, that it sees fewer impressions than it sent itself.

That’s the moment when you stop being angry. You stop looking for logic. You stop explaining. You just start laughing.
That deep, honest belly laugh that comes when reality becomes so absurd it deserves to be screened at an experimental film festival.

And then something interesting happens. When you stop trying to understand the digital world, you start observing it. And when you observe it, you realize it’s not evil, not smart, not omnipotent.

It’s just… sometimes comically inconsistent.
Like a friend who swears he hasn’t had a drink, while hugging your trash bin in the driveway.

And once you accept that, you become free.
Not because you understand the system, but because you finally accept that you don’t have to.

This is my day.
This is my thriller.
This is my bubble that knew too much.
And if you’re reading this, I hope you went to the bathroom first.

FAQ

Is Google Bubble a series?
Yes. Google Bubble is (or will be) a season of the Masters series. This is its first episode.

Where can I watch Google Bubble – Masters?
GBM is not a TV series (yet). For now, it’s an online, read-only humoristic stand-up series.

When is the next episode coming?
Soon. More on Masters.